Since we bypassed the book this Sunday (but not the material) we focus on some practical aspects of forgiveness) Here is a chapter from What Are You Holding onto That’s Holding You Back?
(This was written a number of years before the Paul Selig work, however, I think it follows the process of forgiveness quite well)
THE GRACE OF FORGIVENESS
SHORTLY AFTER we were married, I did something that was upsetting to Margo. I cannot recall what it was. It might have been a misplaced phone message or my forgetting to do something I said I was going to do. What I do recall was that she was upset. I had no idea how to change that. I remember saying, “Well, I guess it’s all over.” She looked at me as if I was crazy. “I am upset now,” she said, “and I soon will let go of it for good.” She introduced me to the healing power of forgiveness.
Forgiveness releases the toxic energy of anger and resentment which drains the inner self and creates imposing barriers to all relationships. Release heals me when I forgive and when I allow myself to be forgiven.
When I ask for forgiveness, I open my heart in compassion and allow myself to understand the hurt I might have caused others. Instead of shame and guilt, which are the ego’s response to imperfection, I am lovingly humbled by recognizing my shortcomings, and open myself to grace and transformation.
When I open myself up to forgiveness from God or another, I recognize, in depth, that I am not what I do. My True Self and my actions are not the same thing. When I recognize that my actions are not who I am, I acknowledge this same truth in others. With that sublime recognition, I am more open to releasing my anger and resentment towards you. Thus forgiveness creates an infinite spiral ever reaching towards Oneness.
Forgiveness gives the freedom to live simply and in the present. The more stuff you are holding onto, the more complicated and burdensome life becomes. What are you holding onto that is holding you back? Is it fear, anger, resentment, or self-criticism? No matter what you are holding onto, the antidote, the release is forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go; holding on or “un-forgiveness” creates a state of mind dominated by anger, fear, jealousy, guilt, and resentment. The negative results of this holding on are legion: all forms of self-destructive behavior, barriers to healthy relationships, physical illness, and a sense of isolation from God and others.
When we are holding on, we perceive ourselves and others as guilty and flawed. Our faith is eroded; we become vengeful and vindictive; we tend to focus on outside inconsequential values rather than the more important ones inside; we ignore or deny our feelings by suppression or projection onto others; we live in blame, shame, and guilt; we are fearful of looking at ourselves, and especially look- ing at ourselves lovingly.
I am stuck in judgmental thinking more than I would like to admit. Whenever I am holding onto anger, fear, jealousy, or hurt my judgmental mind kicks in reflexively. What do I do then? I have dis- covered that the antidote to judgment and all the baggage it creates is forgiveness. If I am holding on, everything I am holding onto is occupying the space that could be filled with love, grace, and peace. With forgiveness, I let go of my stuff and then God comes in and sweeps it up.
The Lord’s Prayer directs us to know that we are forgiven “as we forgive.” That is not a directive to God; it is the simple statement of a truth: we can only be forgiven as we forgive. Forgiveness means letting go, making a space, and opening up. If I am locked up and holding onto fear, anger, resentment, then there is little room for God to enter.
Jesus not only preached forgiveness, He also demonstrated it many times. Often He would say, “Thy sins are forgiven thee,” even when a more physical miracle was expected. Forgiveness is the open door to love and compassion. Without forgiveness we remain self- centered, isolated, and trapped in our limited vision of ourselves and the world.
Not too long ago I heard, “When you forgive, everything will change.” I thought, “How could anyone believe that? There must be more than that. Is it possible? Can it be that simple?”
I looked at all the anger, fear, and negative thoughts I had about myself. I examined all areas of my life: physical, mental, emotion- al, and spiritual. What would it be like if I were free of all that neg- ativity?
My body is not in the kind of shape I would like it to be in. Of course I am sixty-five and probably will not have the body of a twenty year-old, but that’s beside the point. I still have the idea that my body should be much more perfect than it is. I get colds and infections occasionally, and that should not be happening to me. I am short; I need glasses. I am angry at all my physical imperfections.
I am so grateful for my intellect; it is a marvelous tool and my mind has continued to serve me well as a teacher, counselor, writer, and many other areas of my life. It also can create limitations. My mind wanders. Outrageous thoughts occur to me. When I want to be quiet, my mind makes the most noise. When I want to stop trying to figure things out and just be in the mystery, my mind will not let go. My thoughts not only intrude on the present moment, they also cre- ate fear, anxiety, guilt, and remorse about the past or the future. I can be angry at my mind and my thoughts for not being as disciplined as I think they should be.
Sometimes I believe how I feel is who I am. Emotions are powerful influences and they can sometimes take over my life. It would be wonderful to be taken over by joyfulness and exuberance all the time, but I am one of those people (perhaps it is my Irish heritage) who leans towards the melancholy, depressed, and overwhelmed states of mind. I wish that were not true, but it is. I am angry at my emotional nature because it is not happy all the time.
When I look at my soul and my spiritual work, I realize I do not pray or meditate as much as I think I should. I do not identify with my soul and my spiritual nature as much as I would like. I think I am not as close to God as I would like to be; I think I should be better than I am. So I am angry at my soul for not being more assertive. I am angry with myself for not putting my soul first. The list can go on and on and on.
Then I thought, what would it be like if I forgave myself? What would it be like if I let go of all my negative feelings towards my body, mind, emotions, and spirit? What would happen?
I would be free! Would any of the previously mentioned conditions change? Maybe, maybe not, but I would have changed. I would be like a balloon with its sandbags cut free, flying, unencumbered, and so much closer to the truth of who I really am, an unconditionally loved child of God.
Forgiveness allows me to be at peace, to be free of the past, to experience myself as strong and capable, to love and be loved. Forgiveness allows everything to be as it is. My relationship with
God, others, and myself are open, loving, and unencumbered. In a state of forgiveness, my energy can now be directed in more positive, healthy ways for myself and others.
Forgiveness calls for deep levels of self-honesty and love. The energy that I put into surrender in the form of forgiveness allows me to honor, feel, and release all the many feelings that might be connected to my life experiences. Feelings such as rage, anger, shame, fear, and hurt are all very real. All these feelings need to be acknowledged, accepted, and dealt with in order for forgiveness to be lasting.
Many confuse forgiveness with being a victim. Forgiveness neither condones the act nor absolves the perpetrator. Forgiveness is about me, not the other person. When I release my anger and resentment and focus on my own well-being and healing, that is when I am free. As Thomas Merton beautifully stated, “The arrow with which I shoot my enemy has to pass through my own heart.” When I drop my quiver with forgiveness, I no longer wound you and I no longer wound myself.
Forgiveness is similar to the process of grieving. It follows a pattern of willingness, evaluation, feeling, letting go, and opening to love.
WILLINGNESS
I need to be willing to release my anger, fear, and grudges, but sometimes I am just not at that place. I know I need to be willing, but I also need to remember that if I am not at the point of willingness yet, I need to be willing to be willing. I need to take a step or a few steps back. I do not concentrate on where I am not; I concentrate on where I am. If I am not at the stage of complete willingness, then I embrace myself where I am and allow myself to be open to the grace of moving forward. I need to realize there must be a part of me that is willing to let go or I would not be examining the issue at all.
Go to the place inside of you that is willing to be willing. That is where you start. You are willing to be willing to forgive. Say that to yourself, “I am willing to be willing to forgive.” “I am taking care of my feelings; I am embracing myself where I am now. I am will- ing to be willing.” There will be times in your life when you are not ready to let go, when you continue to hold on. That is just where you are at the moment. The realization is not a call for self-judgment, but for self-awareness. You hold on as long as you need to hold on, and when you are ready to let go you are ready to let go.
When you feel the feelings and open to the willingness of forgive- ness, you can begin to realize this process is not about the other per- son or the event; it is about you. Your forgiveness and letting go are about your anger and resentment, however justified they might be. In your letting go you acknowledge that your anger and resentment are not affecting the person you are angry with, but your holding on is killing you.
EVALUATION
There are events in my life which have produced genuine wounds and others that have simply bruised my ego. The former need the surrender work of forgiveness; the latter, I just need to let go of.
Most occurrences in life are not about me at all. If I could just realize that truth, life would be much gentler and simpler. I find myself waiting in line, in the middle of a traffic jam, thinking some- one is being rude to me–those are some of the many things that have nothing to do with me. Nobody is doing anything to me. Although I am prone to anger and impatience in those situations there is nothing to do except to let it go.
How important is this? So I let him get to the red light ahead of me. So she didn’t write the check before she got into the checkout lane. What difference is that going to make to me today, tomorrow, or next week? I discover what a useless waste of energy it is to dwell on any of that, and how utterly self-centered it is to think any of that was about me.
When we are identified with our ego we can perceive practically anything as an affront. Jacquie Small once suggested we make a dis- tinction between “ego hurts” and “heart hurts.” We need to develop an honest, healthy awareness of ourselves to make this distinction.
Ego hurts arise from everyday circumstances, and have no real effect on anything important. In fact, most ego hurts occur in the mind rather than the external world. I might think someone has looked at me funny, or they didn’t say “Thank you” when I held the door for them, or they didn’t compliment me the way I thought they ought to. My list of perceived wrongs done to me is endless, and I need to differentiate between those events, real or imagined, and those which truly require my forgiveness. There will be many ego hurts that I simply need to let go of. I will own them, accept them as my reaction to my ego’s limited view of things, and I will move on. Heart hurts are those events that we feel have truly damaged us: if we experience ourselves as victimized by someone else’s anger, especially if we were abused or treated unjustly, if we were physically harmed, or if our emotions were discounted or ignored. These are issues which require our attention. We forgive; we let go so that we can heal. As we listen to our heart we can know what is signifi- cant and what is not. We will neither hold onto the meaningless and trivial complaints of the ego, nor will we discount events which
wound us and drain us of power.
In forgiveness, we first let go of the issues and incidents the ego
has placed such importance on, and then we work through the process to let go and heal those issues and incidents which have hurt or wounded us. Both levels of surrender allow our soul’s energy to foster healing and wholeness.
As with grieving, the process of forgiveness cannot be rushed. The surrender occurs at its own time. We do the conscious work, giving our soul the time and the space to let go.
FEELING
I have worked with people who have attempted to rush their forgiveness. They have been willing to forgive, but they have not yet done the necessary work with their feelings. If I attempt to forgive before I have dealt with my emotions, then I am left with feelings about myself that are neither good nor healthy. Many times if I try to forgive without feeling the anger and the other feelings I need to feel, I can be left with a sensation of incompleteness. That vacuum of incompleteness attracts all sorts of unhealthy ideas such as, “Well, maybe I did something to provoke this. Maybe it is my fault after all.” No one deserves to be abused or mistreated in any way; however, in the wake of rushed forgiveness, I can be left with feel- ings of doubt and shame.
We have all heard the message, “Well, you just need to forgive,” and we have attempted to put it into practice. Most of the time, however, what we end up doing is to push down or deny our feelings. Obviously, this is not healthy. Denial and repression are defense mechanisms, but they are not tools that allow for healing. What these defenses do is to protect us from our feelings for a time. Sometimes, protection is just what we need. Our defenses might allow us a time of numbness so that we can survive the trauma of whatever has been done to us. Then there comes a time when all of these feelings need to be dealt with in order for us to regain our mental and emotional health.
When I rush this process of forgiveness, I attempt to deal with all of these emotions of hurt, anger, and fear too quickly. In true and healthy forgiveness, I feel all the feelings, accept them, own them, let them move through me, and finally let them go.
The feelings which need attention in the process of forgiveness will vary from person to person and incident to incident, but the two dominant ones are anger and hurt.
I learned many erroneous ideas about anger growing up. As I began to understand how much of a role this emotion plays in both grieving and forgiveness, I knew I was going to need some work with this emotion of anger.
As I said earlier, I grew up in an alcoholic home; needless to say, there was a lot of anger floating around. Anger was sometimes explosive, usually out of proportion to the event, and always unpredictable and hurtful. More than anything else I learned that anger was a tool that was used to wound and manipulate. Anger was also like nuclear waste; it had a half-life of about fifty thousand years. It never went away. No matter what kinds of promises were made about “never bringing this up again,” I knew that was a lie. Whatever the issue, it would always surface again as a weapon to hurt and control. It is not surprising that I spent much of my life denying and suppressing my anger.
Anger is a feeling with quite a bit of physical energy. Probably one of the first things that I need to do with anger is to discharge the physical energy connected with it. Yelling, screaming, pounding pillows–all are common ways of dealing with the physical aspects of anger.
Exercise and other forms of movement can also be very helpful. These methods are simply ways of releasing the physical side of the anger. What that does, from my experience, is give people the opportunity to look at and deal with the feeling of anger and all of the other feelings that might underlie the anger.
Dealing with the anger itself is another issue. Here I might really need some professional help in order to be able to understand and work with the feeling. Many times anger covers other feelings such as guilt, shame, fear, and hurt. These underlying feelings need to be dealt with also. When we have experienced the hurt of trauma, we need to find ways of honoring and dealing with all the resultant feelings. Certainly, finding a good therapist can be helpful. Someone I can really trust and talk to. Trust your gut with this one. In therapy, as well as in many areas of life, “One size does not fit everyone.”
Friends who are understanding and supportive are a powerful and positive resource. There are also good self-help groups where I can get the support of a group and be helped and supported by some of the individuals in the group.
After I have released and dealt with my feelings of anger, hurt, and any others, that is when it is time to forgive. In fact, when I have dealt with all of those feelings, I might find that forgiveness has already happened.
Forgiveness is not about the other person; forgiveness is about me. I am the one who needs to forgive. I need to forgive, not because it is something that I have to do, but because it is something that will free me and free my energies to do more positive work for myself. I can claim my power and let myself and the world know I am no longer a victim. Now I have even more choices than I had before. Forgiveness is a way of unburdening myself, a way of freeing myself.
How do I forgive others? I stop punishing either outrightly or passive- aggressively. It is only when I stop punishing and let go that I can be open to love and loving. As long as my energies are devoted to punishing, they cannot be devoted to loving. Feelings directed towards a person or object can be either expansive or constrictive, not both.
Forgiveness is freedom. When I let go of anger, resentment, and judgment I am free. When I forgive myself I am free. When I allow myself to be forgiven by God and by others I am free. When I open myself to asking for forgiveness I am free.
LEARNING, FILLING UP, AND HEALING
Along with willingness, evaluation, and release of feelings, there is a finalizing stage of forgiveness called the learning or healing stage. It is the time when the space inside which has been emptied of punishment, guilt, fear, anger, and resentment is now filled with love, light, understanding. Jesus shared a parable about a person who was cleansed of a demon. He likened that person to a house that was cleaned up and aired out, but then seven other demons moved in worse than the first. (Mt 12:43-45) What happened? Nothing happened, and that was the problem. The person let go and was released of his demon, but did not fill in the empty space with anything. It is true that nature abhors a vacuum. When the space is freed inside of us we need to actively fill it with the good. We pray; we open our- selves to light and healing; we cultivate nurturing thoughts and ideas. We fill ourselves with all things good so that the goodness, light, and peace that we have received can flow through us, continuing our own healing and the healing of the world.
The power of living in the grace of forgiveness extends beyond my practice of forgiving another. In the realm of forgiveness there is also self-forgiveness–asking and accepting the forgiveness of others and accepting the forgiveness of God.
Just as I need to forgive others, I also need to forgive myself. Self- forgiveness, like all the other forms of forgiveness, is about letting go. This self-forgiveness is a lesson in how to deal with the self in a non-judgmental way that helps me to forgive others. I shudder when I imagine what it would be like if I spoke to other people the way I speak to myself.
Self-forgiveness is letting go of my own blame, shame, and guilt. It is the use of love rather than guilt to control or transform my actions. It is the letting go of the notion that mistakes make me awful or diminish me. Self-forgiveness is opening myself up to the love that I am.
Self-forgiveness allows me to deal with the issues at hand, even serious life occurrences such as sickness or loss. Rather than wast- ing all my energy on self-recrimination, I surrender and allow grace to lead and heal me.
If I get sick or am in trouble I do not beat myself up. I do not want to get into the useless thinking that I must have done something wrong to deserve this or that I somehow created this situation. Even if my thinking did play a role, being angry at myself does nothing to create a solution.
If a friend or a loved one became sick or found themselves in difficult financial straits would I say, “Oh, you’re sick. Well, I wonder what you did to create that?” No. I would be immediately searching for a way to comfort the one who is ill as well as finding a solution to the problem. If I can do that for another, I need to work on doing that for myself.
I have used guilt to attempt to create better behaviors. The fact that it never works eludes me when I am working out of my ego- consciousness. Guilt serves a purpose for about thirty seconds. Guilt is a method I have invented to try and stop myself from doing some of those old unacceptable behaviors. I think to myself, “If I feel bad enough about the past, then I will be good now.”
Along with seeing the woundedness, self-forgiveness allows me to see the love in myself as well. I let go of blame, shame, and guilt. If I can begin to see the love in myself, I can begin to see the love in you.
I have been thoughtless, mean, indifferent, and uncaring. Even though I have not been that way deliberately, I have still been offensive and wounding. I need to ask for forgiveness.
There is a huge difference between saying “I’m sorry” and asking for forgiveness. “I’m sorry” simply says, “I feel bad because I made you feel bad.” In that scene, it is my own feelings I am more concerned about. Notice how subtle the ego can be. Even when I am attempting to repair hurt feelings I might have contributed to in you, I still make it about me.
Forgiveness happens when I open my heart to the sense of the hurt I caused another, and open myself to their love, and then I am willing to continue to hold them in an open heart even if they do not reciprocate. Do you feel the work in that?
Then there is the mystery of accepting God’s forgiveness. Rather than looking at myself as a sinner, that I am dreadful or there is something wrong with me, I would prefer to think that my mistakes come from acting out of my limited ego-consciousness. This limit- ed consciousness cuts me off from the love that is my birthright. Accepting God’s forgiveness is not self-judgment; it is opening myself to the love that is already there.
How many times have I heard this one: “I know God forgives me, but I cannot forgive myself.” That is baloney! If you truly accept God’s forgiveness, you have to be forgiving of yourself as well.
As with the forgiveness of another this is not a blank check. It is more the recognition that we are at peace with the universe, that we are letting go and moving on. Forgiveness reminds us that we are open to the spiritual power of love rather than fear, grace rather than guilt, and peace rather than conflict.
The Old Testament is filled with images of an angry and vengeful God, yet amidst all the noise and fury is a most consoling allusion about forgiveness, “Though your sins be as red as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.” (Is 1:18 NSRV)
MEDITATION: FORGIVENESS
As you get comfortable, relaxed, and open, take a few deep cleansing breaths, opening even more.
Count backwards from ten to one as you breathe
deeply. You can feel a sense of lightness and receptiveness as you allow Spirit to speak to you, sharing with you exactly what you need.
Let forgiveness in; this is where it begins.
How burdened we are at times with anger, fear, and resentment. How often we feel things, even things long past, over and over again such as past hurts and jealousies.
Let go of body, mind, and emotions. Let go of thoughts, doubts, fears, guilt, and shame.
Pause...
If there is any negativity hanging around, bring it to the altar. Come bring yourself as you are at this minute with as little judgment as you can.
Bring yourself and all your thoughts and feelings, your past and future, your body and your mind; bring it all to the altar.
Let your prayer be, “Here is how I see myself. This is the baggage I carry. I know I am more than this. I know You love me more than I love myself and for this and so much more I am grateful. I come now with all my stuff even though I know most of it is a reflection of my guilt and fear. I come to the altar to be healed, to be forgiven. I consciously offer You my fear, my guilt, my sadness. I come to You with the desire to be whole, to know Your Truth within me, to know that I am one with You, to know that I am already forgiven, that in Your Mind there was nothing to forgive. I open myself to the consciousness of forgiveness, peace, compassion. May I love as You love; may I know that love is who I am.
Thank you, God. Amen.”
Begin to be conscious again of your breathing. Breathe deeply and stretch. Come fully back here in your body, completely centered and grounded.
Get up, stretch, and look around you. Become familiar with the place again, feeling yourself in your body. Journal or process any other way you like.
NUGGETS
Forgiving is not about other people, or running away from feelings, or denying them, or saying what happened is OK, or being a doormat.
Forgiveness is neither a feeling nor a moral judgment.
If you have not realized it yet, forgiveness is about surrender. Forgiveness is acknowledging our wounds and opening to healing. We have a yearning for forgiveness; nurture the yearning.
There is a wise, considerate, loving voice inside of you. Listen to the voice that will validate you. Listen to your heart. Do not let feelings of fear or guilt pull you away from your heart.
If forgiveness is difficult, focus on your healing. I am not my woundedness.
Forgive the person, not the act.
Less baggage, more flow.
Forgiveness is an act of will, willingness.
In the light of God’s Love, which we comprehend more deeply with forgiveness, the baggage begins to evaporate.
Forgiveness is not something we do so much as what we let go of. Forgiveness is also about treating myself with respect and love.
There is no such thing as forgiving and forgetting. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. I will probably always have the memories with me. Forgiveness is about holding these memories in a different way.
Forgiveness is letting go of taking things personally.
Forgiveness is another way of looking at surrender. Forgiveness is letting go of something that no longer serves me. Forgiveness is also a way of entering into the path of non-judgment and non-attachment.
Nothing of importance can be taken away from me.
For most of us, we realize that those we need to forgive have done things to us that are terrible. They have hurt us deeply; the hurts that have been done to us have affected our entire lives and many times affected our relationships with other people as well. This is especially true with issues of sexual abuse.
I do not know if I can say that sexual abuse or any other crime is unforgivable. I simply do not know. This to me is a moral distinction and a very individual one. It does seem to me that if I make anything unforgivable, then I have lost some choices for myself, and I have limited myself.
Forgiveness is a powerful demonstration of love.
Sometimes, especially if we are working through abuse trauma, we can give our power away to another, even a therapist. I encourage people to trust their guts, and even if they have worked with someone for some time and do not feel comfortable or safe with them, it might be time to make a change.
There is nothing wrong with us if we do not forgive; we are just not ready. Forgiveness is always a difficult issue to perceive. In some ways it is very subtle, and in other ways it is very much out front. Most of us have the notion that forgiveness means doing something. To me, forgiveness is more about letting go than anything else.
A Course in Miracles states, “God cannot heal what we are not willing to let go of.”
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