Monday, May 27, 2019

CHAPTER ON LOVE


LOVING ME, LOVING YOU
FOR SUCH A long time, I thought other people were supposed to fix me and complete me. That was what relationships were all about. Find the right friends and partner and I will be happy. Of course other people thought I could fix them and make them complete as well. That never worked either.
We are all related; we are all dependent on one another, but close relationships offer a unique and sometimes difficult challenge to growth. The first challenge is to get beyond the ego, and if you are like me, this challenge will last a lifetime.

What happens when we meet simply as egos in a relationship? When egos meet they rub against one another; that is what egos do. That friction produces a whole spectrum of feelings and reactions: annoyance, anger, fear, judgment, just to name a few. When a person is made out to be an object or a thing, the ego is in charge of the perception. Using only the perception of the ego, the other person is either an opponent, someone to be controlled, or is looked upon as irrelevant.

Because intimacy stretches me, the process is not always comfortable. One of the first things that comes about when I commit to an intimate relationship is that all of my unfinished business comes right up in my face. The unfinished matters of my life include feelings I have never dealt with, shame I have never looked at, woundedness I have never healed, grieving I have not finished, along with addictions and other compulsive behaviors. They all come up, like magma bubbling up from the earth’s core. Often, I am so focused on how great I feel being in love, I am taken by surprise when all these issues blast to the surface of my consciousness.
There have been numerous times when I have worked with couples who have been ambushed by this phenomenon, and often the realization seems to hit right after the literal honeymoon. This is because the ritual of marriage is a way of voicing to the world that the couple are in a committed relationship and commitment is a dirty word to the ego. When the ego feels itself trapped all hell breaks loose.
The suddenness and force with which my previously submerged issues hit me generates fear and a tremendous amount of defensive- ness, along with one of the ego’s major forms of defense: called pro- jection. The ego’s projection could sound like: “Well, I never felt this way until I met you.” “This was never a problem until I married you.” “It’s not me, it’s you.” “Well, you started it.” “Well, if you hadn’t brought it up, then I wouldn’t have had to say that.”
The ego in its fear and limited perspective creates other and more subtle ways of hindering relationships. We need to be aware that this fearful little piece of ourselves is only trying to protect itself. Although practically everything is a threat to the ego, the commit- ment to love is one of the greatest.
Many relationships fail because we experience ourselves as unlovable. We cannot believe that someone can love us the way we are, and so we both consciously and unconsciously sabotage the relationship. We wind up playing some unconscious games such as “Come Closer; Go Away.” It unfolds like this: I let you come close to me because I am comfortable being open and vulnerable at this moment, but as soon as you get close I get frightened and I do some- thing to push you away. Then I feel the deep need to be loved and accepted by you so I let myself be open and vulnerable once more, and the cycle continues.
I discovered myself playing this game in my early relationship with Margo. I recall soon after we had met, I told her, “I could come and visit you sometime,” and feeling very open and free saying that. Then she responded, “Yes, and I could come and visit you, too.” Well, that just freaked me out. Looking back, everything was won- derful when I felt as if I were in control of things, but when I felt another person making decisions that affected me, I became con- tracted and fearful. I wanted to be close to Margo but on my terms, so I let her into my heart for a while, got frightened and shut down again. The “game” continued until I became aware of my fear. I had to make some conscious choices. Since my emotions are fairly fick- le, I knew I could not feel safe all the time, but I knew in my heart I am safe with Margo. I began to make more choices with my heart rather than my fear.
As I became more conscious of my fears I also realized I was not consciously or maliciously pushing her away. I was frightened and acting out of that scared, contracted self, the ego. When I realized I was “in prison” I began to make some choices to get out.
Another fearful ego game is called, “Will You Love Me If...” It unfolds something like this: “I’m not sure that anyone could really love me, so I have to keep testing things out. I do something outra- geous to see if you can still love me when I am stupid, forgetful, or obnoxious. I am very pleased when I discover that you still love me after that, but then I have to push the envelope a little more and a lit- tle more.” When the other person finally gives up I can say, “See, I knew you didn’t love me.”
The ego thinks in terms of scarcity, that there will not be enough. It thinks there will not be enough love, or enough happiness, or enough attention to go around. With scarcity thinking in tow, the frightened ego intrudes again and begins to spawn competition between partners. Sometimes, unknowingly, we begin to “count up points.” Conscious or unconscious thoughts such as, “Well, I’ll let you have your way this time, but next time you better let me have mine.” The issue could be sex, money, or even taking out the garbage. The destructive results of point counting and competition quickly make us enemies rather than lovers and friends.
A popular phrase in the sixties was, “If you can’t love yourself, you can never love anyone else.” That message really got me. I did not feel very lovable. I did not think I loved myself very much, but I also knew I cared for some other people very deeply. How could I love someone else when I did not love myself? I could not get it.
I finally realized this idea of loving myself and others was not an absolute. When I put the focus back on myself, I realize that my ability to truly love more unconditionally is measured by my ability to love myself, but this is not an all-or-nothing proposition. Loving myself, as with many other internal abilities, is a matter of degree. My ability to love myself is like a magnifying glass that channels my ability to love you. We all have the ability to love ourselves to some degree; the more powerful the lens the more powerful the love that comes through.
As I continue to work on making the conscious choice to go beyond the limits of my ego, I also realize the need to have a good relationship with myself is linked to having a good relationship with you. If my relationship with myself stinks, my relationship with you is not going to smell very good either. Once I begin to work on con- scious self-love and respect, I become more aware of who I am and also what I can give. Relationships teach me what I need to give of myself and by doing so teach me what I can give to others.
The ego teaches you that the world is not a safe place, and love especially is not safe. It is challenging to live beyond the ego and to live outside that safety and self-imposed scarcity. The ego thinks to love unconditionally is to make yourself into a doormat. The soul knows that to love unconditionally is the only way to love. If you have ever experienced loving someone completely, you know that unconditional love does not destroy you; on the contrary, it makes you stronger. When you encounter the ego’s fear of loving, do not argue with it; let go of the fear. The ego does not remember that unconditional love is good, but the heart does. Listen to your heart, not your fear.
Intimacy pushes us to grow in love with those close to us, but inti- macy also presents us with a model of how to relate to everyone. The way Jesus stated it, “For if you love those who love you what reward do you have? Do not even tax collectors do the same?” (Mt 5:46 ESV)
It is natural to think some relationships are more special than oth- ers, but one of the many lessons relationships can teach us is how to love everyone deeply and honestly. Spiritually speaking, there are no special relationships, or better said, all relationships are special. As I continue to stretch and grow, I am asked to love everyone with equal devotion.
When I first encountered the concept that “there are no special relationships” in A Course in Miracles, I thought the idea was ridiculous. “Of course,” I said to myself, “my relationship with Margo and her children and our grandchildren is special.” Then I realized, in a moment of insight, I was being asked to love everyone as deeply as I love my wife and grandchildren.
“Who is my neighbor?” Jesus was asked. His reply via the para- ble of the Good Samaritan was, “Everyone.” Spiritually, my love for Margo, Mikayla, Paige, Meaghan, Aoife, or Fionn gives me a refer- ence point of how I am being asked to love everyone. Love every- one, be they government officials, terrorists, rude clerks, or people who are talking behind me at the movie. Love everyone the way you love those you know you love. The other person is ultimately God, no matter what form he or she might be wearing today.
The challenge becomes “Who don’t you see as God and why not?” To answer that question we must enter into the consciousness of the soul. We have already looked at some of the things that occur when we meet one another on an ego level. What happens when people meet one another on a soul level?
When we meet as souls on a journey, when we recognize one another as spiritual beings, we are one and we know it; we are loved and we know it. We are the living embodiment of the Golden Rule.

Buddha said it this way, “See yourself in others. Who then shall you harm?”
There are many interpretations of what occurs when we fall in love. Some would suggest that we are simply in love with an image of ourselves, like Narcissus staring at his reflection in the water. Scott Peck suggests falling in love is a “mild form of insanity.” Both of those are true at times. I would also like to think that when we fall in love we are meeting one another on the level of the soul. We do not simply experience a lack of ego boundaries; I believe we are relating to one another as soul to soul. The difficulty lies in the fact that we do not stay there.
Because, in our human existence, we continually cope with issues of both ego and soul, it is not surprising that most of our relation- ships have aspects of both.
When I am with clients, I am pointedly focused on them. I am lis- tening intently, making eye contact, and being aware of body lan- guage. I am also letting go of judgment and lovingly honoring their process as I create a space for them to heal. What is amazing to me is that as soon as I walk in the door of my home, my focus immedi- ately shifts to my wants and my needs and creating a safe place for me to be in. Even though my intention is to be kind, unselfish, and loving, when I lose focus and let my self-centered needs take over, my original goals seem to vanish. When I lose my intention, focus, and sense of commitment, my wife could be talking to me, but I am thinking about dinner, or reading the paper, or programming my DVR. When I lose my focus and intention, my fearful, protective, self-centered ego takes over automatically.
I can choose to practice focus and intention. When I am home, I want to be aware I am with someone I love, not someone I am in competition with, not someone who wants to get over on me, not someone who is trying to hurt me, or take something away from me. How often do I lose that awareness when I am wrapped up in myself and my own needs?
I often wonder, “If loving is so good, and wonderful, and beautiful, and healing, why do we keep going back to the ego-consciousness of fear, competition, and scarcity thinking?” The answer is sim- ply that the ego always wants to get back in control. Even when we have surrendered our self-centered fear and choose to focus on loving, the ego remains fearful. The ego’s desire to be safe and fulfilled is still present.
Not only does the ego project all its hidden issues on the other person, it also projects its wants and needs onto the other person as well. This is another reason why we fall back into ego-consciousness so easily, because we always have wants and needs that we want to be satisfied, and it is much easier to have someone else do the work for us. It is such an easy thing to expect another to heal us or to make us feel better or complete us.
We all have unhealed places, and healing is a major factor in rela- tionships. But if I just come to you in my woundedness with the desire that you fix me, the relationship will not work. If I just come to you in strength in order to fix you, it will not work. I have to come to you acknowledging my woundedness, and loving you in yours. I also have to come to you in strength to be willing to help you heal, and be open to letting your strength help heal me. A partnership embraces one another’s wholeness, and also acknowledges my own.
Even though relationships involve other people, they truly are about discovering who we are, and the ultimate goal of all relation- ships is that we see God in the beloved and let them see God in us. When someone loves us, they help to create a space, a safe haven, where we can heal and grow. This space is unconditional; it is free of guilt and shame and expectations. We give this space to one another. Imagine what that would be like. Two people creating a loving safe space where they can heal. That is what love is, that is the essence of relationship.
Ultimately, on the spiritual path of relationships, we are encour- aged to cultivate our intuitive heart. It is not with the mind or the senses that we know what is healthy and what is not. It is with the heart.
Not all relationships are going to work. Even Jesus had problems with some people. The ultimate authority for going or staying is your heart, not your codependent unhealthy needs, but your heart.

There have been so many people I have worked with who have told me that at some point in a relationship there was a voice or sen- sation inside that said, “Uh-oh, this is not good,” but then they pur- posely overlooked that inner advice or told themselves they could handle it.
Here is a very simple rule: If you are honestly working on your own health and well-being, and a relationship is constantly draining you of energy, then it is probably unhealthy and you are probably trying to satisfy unhealthy needs in yourself or the other. The only solution is to let go. If you want to get rid of those lumps on your head stop running into the wall.
The heart is fearless, but it is not stupid. It knows when it is time to stay or time to go. Unlike the ego, the heart does not judge or blame. It accepts responsibility for its own stuff and the problems it has created.
Good working relationships, be they friendships or more intimate ones, are always equal to equal, eyeball to eyeball. We might bring different gifts, but we never need to expect our partner to give in to us. It is never about winners or losers. It is never about you or me; it is about us. There is a great scene in the movie Rocky that really touched me. It is the night before his big fight, and he goes to the auditorium, looks over the ring, and has a talk with the promoter. He goes back home to his crappy old apartment, and sits on the side of the bed where his girlfriend Adrian is sleeping. He mutters out loud, waking her, “I can’t do it, I can’t beat him.” Adrian sits up, looks at Rocky, and asks, “What are we going to do?” Not “Oh, that’s terrible, what are you going to do?” but, “What are we going to do?” That’s beautiful!
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MEDITATION: LOVING RELATIONSHIPS
As you get comfortable, relaxed, and open, take a few deep cleansing breaths, opening even more.
Count backwards from ten to one as you breathe deeply.
You can feel a sense of lightness and receptiveness as you allow Spirit to speak to you, sharing with you exactly what you need.

Breathe deeply and experience yourself more and more relaxed as you open to this meditation.
Relationships provide a safe space for us to heal and grow.
Imagine what it would be like to be in a space that you experience as being as perfectly safe as you can. You can create any image or set of sensations you like. You could tune into a natural environment or one you create yourself.
Right now all the tools for this creation are within your grasp. Take some time to create this sacred, safe place for yourself.
Pause...
Now within the energy of this safe place, know that the Power and Spirit of God dwell here with you. You are more than safe; you are enfolded in the grace and strength and healing power of the infinite.
Pause...
Something needs to heal within you now. Let it come to your conscious- ness. You do not need to try and think about it, just let it come to you. It might be something you have been aware of for some time, or what sur- faces might be a bit of surprise. You can come back to this place as often as you choose to heal. For now, simply accept what comes up for you.

Notice your feelings without becoming overly involved in them, and then if you choose to, offer this thing in your life that needs healing, offer it to God.
Let it go, release it. Know you are being healed at this moment. Let it go, and as you let it go breathe into the more open space that now exists within you. Allow it to fill with light and love and grace. Yes. Releasing, healing, and filling up.
Begin to be conscious again of your breathing. Breathe deeply and stretch. Come fully back here in your body, completely centered and grounded.
Get up, stretch, and look around you. Become familiar with the place again, feeling yourself in your body. Journal or process any other way you like.

                                       NUGGETS

Many of us have formed relationships that are based on fixing the other person, or we have worked very hard to attract a person we think will heal us or make us whole. That doesn’t work!

A loving relationship is based on creating space and holding a space where the other can do the healing work on themselves. I hold a space; I do not fix; I let go of my defenses.

Just being there for someone makes a difference.

Even though the limited consciousness of the ego can hinder intimacy, we do not intend to kill the ego off. The ego is not the enemy here.

When I think the ego’s limited perception is the truth, that is when the problems begin.

In response to a barrage of ego-centered fear, the practice of awareness and self-honesty will help me to grow with the challenge of facing my unfinished business. I need to accept that this is my stuff and not the other person’s. Not only is it mine, but it is mine to work on.

When you recognize the effort being made by another person to stretch and grow, acknowledge that effort and compliment them on it. You will be amazed at the positive energy that flows from that tiny effort.
Human relationships are beautiful as they are, but the spiritual dimension gives them even more meaning and purpose.

Don’t hesitate to ask yourself the question, “What is my heart telling me?”

Recognize that building a relationship is a life-long task. I do not want to wait until I have all my stuff together before I get into a relationship. If that were true there would not be any relationships.

Meet one another as souls on a journey rather than egos who are in competition.

Intimate relationships are the crucible for transformation. Love yourself no matter what.

Let go of your little self in order to truly embrace the other person and your own soul.

See God in yourself and the other until you see only God.

To love well, you must give up your self-centeredness. Become a sensitive listener, hearing what is said and not said.


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Healthy relationships need always to be based on freedom and choice.

Make it a choice, as often as you like, to postpone personal gratification to meet the needs of another. When it is your choice, you can be a lover rather than a codependent victim.

We cannot always choose who we meet or the people or situations we encounter, but we can choose how we respond to them.

You can choose to be as close or intimate with another human being as you want to be, and to that degree you will be challenged to grow. Everything intensifies, the closer, the more intimate, and the more vulnerable we choose to be.

We are here together to honor one another’s wholeness, and by doing so we empower one another to heal. Our focus can be on wholeness rather than woundedness.

Know that whatever yearnings are touched off in you by a relationship are fundamentally yearnings for wholeness, Oneness, and union with Spirit.

All relationships have as their purpose to become aware of our Oneness. A relationship is there to serve one another’s opening to love.

Healthy relationships are there to provide a safe place to heal, grow, and transform.

Relationships make us look at our fears, not just the fears of the ego but the fears that have been implanted in us, our woundedness.
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