PRECIPICE 9

P. 126-128

“Now you deny yourself your light. You pretend you are not worthy.”

Notice you can pretend, you can’t make it real, your unworthiness, but you can make it seem real. Perhaps that is the ultimate illusion of making something seem real which is or cannot be. if you and I were created worthy then there is absolutely nothing we could do to change that. Even though we are a creative aspect of God, we are still created and because we are created as with all other beings, there is nothing that we can “uncreate,” especially the Truth.

Paul expressed it this way, “I tell you nothing absolutely nothing can separate us from the love of God.”

Now again we can play the game of denial and we will play that as long as we need to, but eventually the illusion will be erased. Marianne Williamson put it this way, “God will eventually outsmart your self-hatred.”

Now all of this might seem rather harsh. We might tell ourselves, “I don't deny my light; I don't pretend I am not worthy. Well if that were true,if you were in touch with the truth of Who You Are and therefore the truth of who everyone else is as well, then there would be no moments of darkness, doubt or fear. You would see through them as the illusions that they are without even thinking.

Not sure about you, but I do not perceive myself being there yet. And here is a wonderful, tricky thing that I have becoming closer to realizing— I am not lacking in the truth but my perception is lacking. My perception of myself as being a Divine Child of God, as being the light,as being worthy, as being the Word, as knowing my worth—here is my work to transform that perception.

Now I could make a list all of those things, all of those thoughts ideas and patterns of behavior that seem to be clouding my perception of the truth, but I have come to believe that there is a better way of working through this. And that is by becoming more and more aware of those moments when the truth of who I am shines through, when I am in my knowing when I know who I am what I am and how I serve.

Most of those moments are beyond reason or explanation and yet here they are.

Today we are reminded that we have a choice. I have a choice of how I perceive myself. Now by perceiving myself, I do not mean how I look or how I appear, but what is it that I am attuned to, what is it that I am in alignment with, what it is that I am I am identified with. I say this because it is important to realize, as we have stated before, that knowing the truth of who you are or being in the truth of who you are, is not a matter of emotions or feelings, even though it is wonderful when the feelings go along with that truth. But do you see what happens here? We become more dependent upon the feelings and we begin to use the feelings themselves as being the truth. It is like that horrible piece of misdirection that asked the question “If you feel far away from God who moved.”

First of all God doesn't move, secondly nothing can separate you from God's love, thirdly how you feel has nothing to do with how present God is to you or how present you are to God. Some of our most powerful lessons come to us when we go beyond our feelings or our emotional state.

I can know I am aligned to the truth of who I am when I choose to be loving towards myself or towards others, when I choose to bite my tongue or stop my mind when it desires to be bitter or angry or harsh or unforgiving. Do you get that? You choose love. We don't always have the ability to choose our emotions or feelings, that is neither good nor bad it is just the truth, but I can certainly choose to love even when I do not feel like loving.

“And choice, we say, is always a free thing. When you have a choice, you are free. How can you deny yourself this choice you are making now?”

The next paragraph in the book is extremely important and powerful. It offers us an example of choosing to go along with the set of preconceived patterns or structures as opposed to falling into a limited way of thinking that suggests something is happening to us. 

“When you are driving down the highway and you see a sign that says there’s a speed limit of fifty miles an hour, you decide to go into agreement with that sign, for your own safety, perhaps, because you would like to think that everybody else is doing the same thing. And that is a mutual agreement you have made to keep yourself safe on a highway. When you see something that you don’t like and you make a decision about it born in your history—“He looked at me that way, he must want something I don’t want to give him”—you are aligning to a fear, you are aligning to a belief, and you are creating a choice that you are expressing as your vibration.”

There is an interesting concept here that is not often talked about--praise.

This is not about ego boosting; it is about “lifting your frequency in accord with the Divine.” Do you get a sense of that? 

I need to experience myself as worthy to lift my frequency the Divine. Again, this is not an emotion. When I recognize my ability to choose, and especially to choose a higher frequency, I am in MY KNOWING AND WORTH!

“Now the free woman that you are today, the free man that you are right now, has things he must do, and doing these things, we say, in accordance with your worth will give you a foundation that you may stand upon. Every time you take an action on your own behalf, every time you deny fear its purview and stand in your power, every time you align a conscious choice to a new possibility of freedom, you give yourself praise. And to give oneself praise means you lift your frequency in accord with the divine. You are not praising the personality self, you are lifting your vibration. When you give praise to the Christ, you are aligning your frequency to the Christ, so it may lift you as well. That aspect of you that is the Christ, “I know who I am, what I am, how I serve,” will always respond.”

As I read that last paragraph I could not but help think of a power rule quotation from Robert Kennedy

“Each time a man stands up for an ideal or acts to improve the lot of others or strikes out against Injustice, he sends for the tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.”

Thank you

Peace! 

PRECIPICE 6

P. 122-123

In sitting with this lesson I reflected that I could have gone a bit further in the book and helped bring some of these ideas together. BUT I also felt that we needed to do an experiential piece/meditation/imagery. So here I am again being reminded of a piece of worldly wisdom, as long as we are part of the material world, “You can have anything you want,  but you can’t have everything you want.” OR as the Stones put it so well, and perhaps even better, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.”

Although a good bit of today's material seems somewhat repetitive of lessons previously learned what all of us need to realize is that although a lesson shows up that appears identical or quite similar to one we have already explored, we are continually given the opportunity to delve deeper into the learning that we have called to us.

Just as a for instance, we are all aware that we are Divine children of God and yet each one of us, in our own ways, can fall into forgetfulness. We need to be reminded of that truth again and again and realize that just as a growing plant sinks its roots deeper and deeper into the Earth, so also do we allow our awareness to grow deeper and deeper into the Truth of Who We Are. The truth of who we are just not change, but our awareness and our ability to keep that awareness within our consciousness is continually growing and evolving.

It is only through the limited vision of the small self that we think we are repeating a lesson again and again. It is only the small self, the personality, the ego consciousness which allows itself to become frustrated in it's learning.

Again, what we experienced so often is what A Course in Miracles refers to as a “confusion of levels.” We find ourselves continually evaluating or judging ourselves through the limited perception of our personality. We also think, somehow or another, that it is our personality self that is going to become divinized. The Divine self the Truth of Who You Are already exists. It is not something that is coming into existence in some future time. It is the Truth of who you are in this moment.

Now the personality self, f\or the ego consciousness will become spiritualised, will realize its true nature and will eventually and docily become aligned to the truth of the Divine as who you are. it will eventually release its struggles and it's clinging attachments and it's attempts to accomplish the Impossible. In other words it will allow itself to be loved simply as it is.

And so here we are on this continuing Journey of Discovery and Recovery. Knowing Who We Are; affirming Who We Are; aligning to the Truth of Who We Are and yet, still, at times, falling into forgetfulness. And then forgiving ourselves again and again and again 70x 7 so that our forgetfulness, instead of being a fault or a failing or a sin or an error, simply becomes another part of our learning.

In our last outing, we mentioned the mysterious nature of our continuing growth and evolution. There are times when we might experience a miraculous healing for ourselves or for another, and there are other times when a disease or an illness or a particular life circumstance does not seem to change, at least from external appearances. The personality will then question the self and think that because its goal has not been reached that it must have done something wrong. The picture that the personality paints and perceives is only a tiny piece of the whole tapestry.

If it is true that we travel in and through this Earthly sphere any number of times as we are continuing and completing our education, then it is also true that the soul not only creates life circumstances in this moment to learn from, but that it is also agrees, before this incarnation, the lessons that have been chosen to learn.

This sometimes is a very hard saying because from the point of view of the personality anything that is difficult or painful or harsh or even out of balance, I don't want it; I fight it; I resist it. I certainly have a tremendously difficult time believing or claiming that I have created it (this troublesome thing in the first place).

We suggest however what other choice do you have? Is life simply a series of incidences and experiences that are all occurring to you and me from some outside force? How do we explain that good things happen to bad people and sometimes bad things happen to good people? How do we explain or even explore the seemingly unfairness of it all? Is it the luck of the draw or is it more than that? 

************

What I have in front of me right now in my life is exactly what I have (what my soul has) wanted. I might not know or perceive that in my limited personality self, but there are different reasons why I might have created something or a situation that I find myself in. For sure, one of the most important reasons is that I have created it to learn from, but that learning might take different forms. I might be being asked to heal something; I might be asked to let go of something; I might be asked to do something differently. All of those varied choices and more are what I become aware of when I am conscious of the life situations or experiences I find myself in at this moment.

Perhaps you can even come up with some of the reasons yourself, not as blame or shame, but as a way of working through of why I might have created this. You will notice, if you make this part of your practice, that it will be difficult at times. It will be easy or almost natural for you to fall in to blame or self-condemnation and obviously this is not the point of the awareness we are speaking of. And so perhaps that is a lesson by itself. When you find that you have created something difficult then realize you have also created the difficulty to learn from. “How can I see this differently? How can I hold this more gently? how can I be a little bit more compassioate and understanding towards myself? 

If all of this seems rather open-ended, it is. We cannot tie all of this up in a neat little package and smack our hands together and say “Well we've learned that one. Let's move on,” because the learning we are speaking of here is continual, just as your awareness of your Divine self continues to grow and evolve. 

“Now we get worried sometimes, when we reach you, that you misunderstand our teaching, that we are telling you that you think you caused your pain, and then you use that as an excuse to harm yourself once again. That is not our teaching. But our teaching is very clear. You have choice. What you claim, you hold and are in accord with. What you hold is your frequency and aligns you to a reality that out-pictures the very thing you say you don’t want. So how can it be not your choice?”

One of the things that happens within our forgetfulness is that we forget we have a choice. I have a choice of how I respond to the life situations that I have created for myself to learn from. We will say that again “I have a choice of how I respond to the life situations I have created for myself to learn from.”

In grace, love, healing and gratitude.

PREDIPICE 4

p. 120-121

Wow! Diving deep today.

I believe an aspect of our chosen journey here on Planet Earth is that the is no such thing as “Instant Enlightenment.” Our growing, learning and evolvement is not a “one shot deal” nor is it meant to be. (Even those recorded events that appear to be sudden (like Bill Wilson’s “white light” experience or Paul being knocked off his horse on the way to Damascus are not rally sudden. They may appear so to our outsider consciousness, but there is always much internal preparation for the soul to enter into that kind of awareness.

A classmate made allusion to the idea of “process.” Life, growth, evolution is a process—it is meant to be a process—that is how we learn and grow in this stage of our education.

Even though it might seem we are learning the same lessons one rand over!!!!! Each time, we learn /experience on a deeper level.

I shared a personal insight and hopefully it will translate lovingly into the written word.

I discovered that one of the ways I was describing myself, and in fact I did this quite often, I would say, I am a person who is prone to bouts of depression.

My discovery was as long as I continue to describe myself that way then I will continually be and experience myself hat way. Now my mind will say something to the effect of yes that is true—you are a person prone to bouts of depression.

What I was not conscious of is that my mind will always define me according to its own limited awareness (and my mind always wants to be right). And my mind is very comfortable with its way of defining me—it makes life quite predictable.

And see what happened to me was I accepted that so much as being the truth, that I never questioned the validity of it nor did I even suspect that not only was I holding onto that description of myself but I was perpetuating the pattern.

We are being encouraged to explore and to be open in our awareness to patterns of thought and behavior that might have been with us for a very long time and which no longer serve us.

There is an understanding here to that even when I work on changing a pattern, that my emotions are not going to change right away. Let us suppose in that situation mentioned above that I choose to change my thinking and the begin to change that old pattern or description of myself. That does not mean that all of a sudden depression, sadness, anger of fear is going to leave. It is as if we turned on a light in a really dark room. I am not going to see everything clearly all of a sudden, it is going to take awhile for me to acclimate myself to this new vision. Even then, I might doubt whether or not I am seeing clearly.

We were reminded as well of that wonderful statement from Gurdjief, “You have to realize you were in prison before you can get out.” It was stated that perhaps, for whatever reasons, we might enjoy the prison bars of our own creation. I do not deny that one, however, once we begin to embrace the truth of Who We Are anything that limits us, whether it is in thought or in action, is going to begin to feel uncomfortable. The discomfort, if we sit with it honestly, is going to push us towards release, letting go, growing and evolving.

I could not help but be reminded of that wonderful quote from Augustine when his prayer was “Lord make me chaste but not yet.” What a beautiful, honest expression being aware of the desire of my soul and yet at the same time be aware of my human limitations.

He understood also then we cannot force ourselves to be somewhere that we are not or to try to be in a spiritual space, where we think we ought to be, rather than embracing who and where we are. And even then realizing that to is a perception of who I am. But also as I am embracing my perception of who and where I am at this moment, what we discover, as we did in our meditation this morning, is we are actually opening ourselves up to being embraced by our Divine Self.  We are allowing even our limited perception of ourselves be embraced by the unconditional of of the Divine.

This morning, we mentioned looking at our limited or small self as a child or as it curious puppy. When we speak about embracing that, we begin to realize that we are embracing our concept or our perception of self, our limited perception of ourselves; we are embracing that with our divine being. And in some ways that is all we need to do.

I do not mean that in a passive way, but as we open ourselves up to the Divine within, the movement and the growth and the evolution that the soul desires is set in motion.

As we have mentioned before, it is through my willingness and through my intention that I allow myself to move to a higher level of awareness and vibration. Much of my willingness and my intention comes from my personality or ego self. It pushes us to the edge and when we reach that point when our personality self can go no further, we allow our divine self to take over. We might not even be doing that consciously but we are doing it none-the-less. There was that marvelous sentence In our work this morning that said “And if you don’t want to climb, allow yourself to be lifted. ”

What a great description of Prayer. “Lord I don't know where I am; sometimes I don't know where I'm going; yet I know that you know the yearnings of my soul even more deeply than I know them myself. Let me be open to the movement, the growth and the evolution my soul desires at this moment in my life. Thank you. Amen.

“How do I live in infinite choice? Where do I go when the map I have called to me for the rest of my life no longer serves me anymore? How do I stand in my knowing when my authority is questioned? When the rules that I believe were told to me for a good reason may only be there to get me to behave?

Now you ask yourself these questions and you lie to yourself when you pretend you don’t know the answer. You know who you are. You are an aspect of the Creator manifested in form and the decision to be this in actions, in your words, in your deeds, will claim you in your worth as the one who may know what she needs. What is infinite worth but a true statement of each man and woman as they are designed and protected by the light that they are?”

“The designs you have held and known as your own have been agreements you have made with your history. The contracts you have signed, the decisions you made to be this way or that way, were agreements you made born in your history. Now why do you want to do this all the time? Why do you claim this for yourself? Why do you bring this upon you again and again? Because you think you must and because you do not know that there are other ways to be.

Now, if you want to lie to yourself and tell yourself that you are not in choice, you may go back to bed, you may go back to sleep, and you may stay there. There is no reason to read further. But if you can align to the possibility, each and every one of you, that you stand at the precipice of great change, of infinite possibility, the moment you are willing to relinquish who and what you thought you were supposed to be to become who and what you are, you will see that the cliff that you stand on the edge of is the launching pad for the rest of your life.”

Lastly, I addressed some comments to the idea of being a survivor. I feel as if I need to be more clear with my thinking here.

I do not want to discount or demean the work that survivors have done be that with working with a physical illness, addiction, or trauma. What I am suggesting is that we are more than that.

Although our addiction/trauma/abuse might have been a defining moment in our lives, we are still more than that moment.

Certainly we honor ourselves and one another for working through our stuff and our process of healing, and yet, I believe we are urged to go beyond the incident(s) and to know ourselves even beyond our life circumstances.

As we spoke this morning I had an image of you sitting with Jesus/Buddha/Quan Yen and asking Him/Her—“Who do you say that I am?”

In Love and Gratitude.

CHAPTER ON LOVE

LOVING ME, LOVING YOU
FOR SUCH A long time, I thought other people were supposed to fix me and complete me. That was what relationships were all about. Find the right friends and partner and I will be happy. Of course other people thought I could fix them and make them complete as well. That never worked either.
We are all related; we are all dependent on one another, but close relationships offer a unique and sometimes difficult challenge to growth. The first challenge is to get beyond the ego, and if you are like me, this challenge will last a lifetime.

What happens when we meet simply as egos in a relationship? When egos meet they rub against one another; that is what egos do. That friction produces a whole spectrum of feelings and reactions: annoyance, anger, fear, judgment, just to name a few. When a person is made out to be an object or a thing, the ego is in charge of the perception. Using only the perception of the ego, the other person is either an opponent, someone to be controlled, or is looked upon as irrelevant.

Because intimacy stretches me, the process is not always comfortable. One of the first things that comes about when I commit to an intimate relationship is that all of my unfinished business comes right up in my face. The unfinished matters of my life include feelings I have never dealt with, shame I have never looked at, woundedness I have never healed, grieving I have not finished, along with addictions and other compulsive behaviors. They all come up, like magma bubbling up from the earth’s core. Often, I am so focused on how great I feel being in love, I am taken by surprise when all these issues blast to the surface of my consciousness.

There have been numerous times when I have worked with couples who have been ambushed by this phenomenon, and often the realization seems to hit right after the literal honeymoon. This is because the ritual of marriage is a way of voicing to the world that the couple are in a committed relationship and commitment is a dirty word to the ego. When the ego feels itself trapped all hell breaks loose.
The suddenness and force with which my previously submerged issues hit me generates fear and a tremendous amount of defensive- ness, along with one of the ego’s major forms of defense: called pro- jection. The ego’s projection could sound like: “Well, I never felt this way until I met you.” “This was never a problem until I married you.” “It’s not me, it’s you.” “Well, you started it.” “Well, if you hadn’t brought it up, then I wouldn’t have had to say that.”
The ego in its fear and limited perspective creates other and more subtle ways of hindering relationships. We need to be aware that this fearful little piece of ourselves is only trying to protect itself. Although practically everything is a threat to the ego, the commit- ment to love is one of the greatest.
Many relationships fail because we experience ourselves as unlovable. We cannot believe that someone can love us the way we are, and so we both consciously and unconsciously sabotage the relationship. We wind up playing some unconscious games such as “Come Closer; Go Away.” It unfolds like this: I let you come close to me because I am comfortable being open and vulnerable at this moment, but as soon as you get close I get frightened and I do some- thing to push you away. Then I feel the deep need to be loved and accepted by you so I let myself be open and vulnerable once more, and the cycle continues.

I discovered myself playing this game in my early relationship with Margo. I recall soon after we had met, I told her, “I could come and visit you sometime,” and feeling very open and free saying that. Then she responded, “Yes, and I could come and visit you, too.” Well, that just freaked me out. Looking back, everything was won- derful when I felt as if I were in control of things, but when I felt another person making decisions that affected me, I became con- tracted and fearful. I wanted to be close to Margo but on my terms, so I let her into my heart for a while, got frightened and shut down again. The “game” continued until I became aware of my fear. I had to make some conscious choices. Since my emotions are fairly fick- le, I knew I could not feel safe all the time, but I knew in my heart I am safe with Margo. I began to make more choices with my heart rather than my fear.
As I became more conscious of my fears I also realized I was not consciously or maliciously pushing her away. I was frightened and acting out of that scared, contracted self, the ego. When I realized I was “in prison” I began to make some choices to get out.
Another fearful ego game is called, “Will You Love Me If...” It unfolds something like this: “I’m not sure that anyone could really love me, so I have to keep testing things out. I do something outra- geous to see if you can still love me when I am stupid, forgetful, or obnoxious. I am very pleased when I discover that you still love me after that, but then I have to push the envelope a little more and a lit- tle more.” When the other person finally gives up I can say, “See, I knew you didn’t love me.”
The ego thinks in terms of scarcity, that there will not be enough. It thinks there will not be enough love, or enough happiness, or enough attention to go around. With scarcity thinking in tow, the frightened ego intrudes again and begins to spawn competition between partners. Sometimes, unknowingly, we begin to “count up points.” Conscious or unconscious thoughts such as, “Well, I’ll let you have your way this time, but next time you better let me have mine.” The issue could be sex, money, or even taking out the garbage. The destructive results of point counting and competition quickly make us enemies rather than lovers and friends.

A popular phrase in the sixties was, “If you can’t love yourself, you can never love anyone else.” That message really got me. I did not feel very lovable. I did not think I loved myself very much, but I also knew I cared for some other people very deeply. How could I love someone else when I did not love myself? I could not get it.
I finally realized this idea of loving myself and others was not an absolute. When I put the focus back on myself, I realize that my ability to truly love more unconditionally is measured by my ability to love myself, but this is not an all-or-nothing proposition. Loving myself, as with many other internal abilities, is a matter of degree. My ability to love myself is like a magnifying glass that channels my ability to love you. We all have the ability to love ourselves to some degree; the more powerful the lens the more powerful the love that comes through.
As I continue to work on making the conscious choice to go beyond the limits of my ego, I also realize the need to have a good relationship with myself is linked to having a good relationship with you. If my relationship with myself stinks, my relationship with you is not going to smell very good either. Once I begin to work on con- scious self-love and respect, I become more aware of who I am and also what I can give. Relationships teach me what I need to give of myself and by doing so teach me what I can give to others.
The ego teaches you that the world is not a safe place, and love especially is not safe. It is challenging to live beyond the ego and to live outside that safety and self-imposed scarcity. The ego thinks to love unconditionally is to make yourself into a doormat. The soul knows that to love unconditionally is the only way to love. If you have ever experienced loving someone completely, you know that unconditional love does not destroy you; on the contrary, it makes you stronger. When you encounter the ego’s fear of loving, do not argue with it; let go of the fear. The ego does not remember that unconditional love is good, but the heart does. Listen to your heart, not your fear.

Intimacy pushes us to grow in love with those close to us, but inti- macy also presents us with a model of how to relate to everyone. The way Jesus stated it, “For if you love those who love you what reward do you have? Do not even tax collectors do the same?” (Mt 5:46 ESV)
It is natural to think some relationships are more special than oth- ers, but one of the many lessons relationships can teach us is how to love everyone deeply and honestly. Spiritually speaking, there are no special relationships, or better said, all relationships are special. As I continue to stretch and grow, I am asked to love everyone with equal devotion.
When I first encountered the concept that “there are no special relationships” in A Course in Miracles, I thought the idea was ridiculous. “Of course,” I said to myself, “my relationship with Margo and her children and our grandchildren is special.” Then I realized, in a moment of insight, I was being asked to love everyone as deeply as I love my wife and grandchildren.
“Who is my neighbor?” Jesus was asked. His reply via the para- ble of the Good Samaritan was, “Everyone.” Spiritually, my love for Margo, Mikayla, Paige, Meaghan, Aoife, or Fionn gives me a refer- ence point of how I am being asked to love everyone. Love every- one, be they government officials, terrorists, rude clerks, or people who are talking behind me at the movie. Love everyone the way you love those you know you love. The other person is ultimately God, no matter what form he or she might be wearing today.
The challenge becomes “Who don’t you see as God and why not?” To answer that question we must enter into the consciousness of the soul. We have already looked at some of the things that occur when we meet one another on an ego level. What happens when people meet one another on a soul level?
When we meet as souls on a journey, when we recognize one another as spiritual beings, we are one and we know it; we are loved and we know it. We are the living embodiment of the Golden Rule.

Buddha said it this way, “See yourself in others. Who then shall you harm?”

There are many interpretations of what occurs when we fall in love. Some would suggest that we are simply in love with an image of ourselves, like Narcissus staring at his reflection in the water. Scott Peck suggests falling in love is a “mild form of insanity.” Both of those are true at times. I would also like to think that when we fall in love we are meeting one another on the level of the soul. We do not simply experience a lack of ego boundaries; I believe we are relating to one another as soul to soul. The difficulty lies in the fact that we do not stay there.
Because, in our human existence, we continually cope with issues of both ego and soul, it is not surprising that most of our relation- ships have aspects of both.
When I am with clients, I am pointedly focused on them. I am lis- tening intently, making eye contact, and being aware of body lan- guage. I am also letting go of judgment and lovingly honoring their process as I create a space for them to heal. What is amazing to me is that as soon as I walk in the door of my home, my focus immedi- ately shifts to my wants and my needs and creating a safe place for me to be in. Even though my intention is to be kind, unselfish, and loving, when I lose focus and let my self-centered needs take over, my original goals seem to vanish. When I lose my intention, focus, and sense of commitment, my wife could be talking to me, but I am thinking about dinner, or reading the paper, or programming my DVR. When I lose my focus and intention, my fearful, protective, self-centered ego takes over automatically.
I can choose to practice focus and intention. When I am home, I want to be aware I am with someone I love, not someone I am in competition with, not someone who wants to get over on me, not someone who is trying to hurt me, or take something away from me. How often do I lose that awareness when I am wrapped up in myself and my own needs?
I often wonder, “If loving is so good, and wonderful, and beautiful, and healing, why do we keep going back to the ego-consciousness of fear, competition, and scarcity thinking?” The answer is sim- ply that the ego always wants to get back in control. Even when we have surrendered our self-centered fear and choose to focus on loving, the ego remains fearful. The ego’s desire to be safe and fulfilled is still present.

Not only does the ego project all its hidden issues on the other person, it also projects its wants and needs onto the other person as well. This is another reason why we fall back into ego-consciousness so easily, because we always have wants and needs that we want to be satisfied, and it is much easier to have someone else do the work for us. It is such an easy thing to expect another to heal us or to make us feel better or complete us.
We all have unhealed places, and healing is a major factor in rela- tionships. But if I just come to you in my woundedness with the desire that you fix me, the relationship will not work. If I just come to you in strength in order to fix you, it will not work. I have to come to you acknowledging my woundedness, and loving you in yours. I also have to come to you in strength to be willing to help you heal, and be open to letting your strength help heal me. A partnership embraces one another’s wholeness, and also acknowledges my own.
Even though relationships involve other people, they truly are about discovering who we are, and the ultimate goal of all relation- ships is that we see God in the beloved and let them see God in us. When someone loves us, they help to create a space, a safe haven, where we can heal and grow. This space is unconditional; it is free of guilt and shame and expectations. We give this space to one another. Imagine what that would be like. Two people creating a loving safe space where they can heal. That is what love is, that is the essence of relationship.
Ultimately, on the spiritual path of relationships, we are encour- aged to cultivate our intuitive heart. It is not with the mind or the senses that we know what is healthy and what is not. It is with the heart.
Not all relationships are going to work. Even Jesus had problems with some people. The ultimate authority for going or staying is your heart, not your codependent unhealthy needs, but your heart.

There have been so many people I have worked with who have told me that at some point in a relationship there was a voice or sen- sation inside that said, “Uh-oh, this is not good,” but then they pur- posely overlooked that inner advice or told themselves they could handle it.
Here is a very simple rule: If you are honestly working on your own health and well-being, and a relationship is constantly draining you of energy, then it is probably unhealthy and you are probably trying to satisfy unhealthy needs in yourself or the other. The only solution is to let go. If you want to get rid of those lumps on your head stop running into the wall.
The heart is fearless, but it is not stupid. It knows when it is time to stay or time to go. Unlike the ego, the heart does not judge or blame. It accepts responsibility for its own stuff and the problems it has created.
Good working relationships, be they friendships or more intimate ones, are always equal to equal, eyeball to eyeball. We might bring different gifts, but we never need to expect our partner to give in to us. It is never about winners or losers. It is never about you or me; it is about us. There is a great scene in the movie Rocky that really touched me. It is the night before his big fight, and he goes to the auditorium, looks over the ring, and has a talk with the promoter. He goes back home to his crappy old apartment, and sits on the side of the bed where his girlfriend Adrian is sleeping. He mutters out loud, waking her, “I can’t do it, I can’t beat him.” Adrian sits up, looks at Rocky, and asks, “What are we going to do?” Not “Oh, that’s terrible, what are you going to do?” but, “What are we going to do?” That’s beautiful!

MEDITATION: LOVING RELATIONSHIPS
As you get comfortable, relaxed, and open, take a few deep cleansing breaths, opening even more.
Count backwards from ten to one as you breathe deeply.
You can feel a sense of lightness and receptiveness as you allow Spirit to speak to you, sharing with you exactly what you need.
Breathe deeply and experience yourself more and more relaxed as you open to this meditation.
Relationships provide a safe space for us to heal and grow.
Imagine what it would be like to be in a space that you experience as being as perfectly safe as you can. You can create any image or set of sensations you like. You could tune into a natural environment or one you create yourself.
Right now all the tools for this creation are within your grasp. Take some time to create this sacred, safe place for yourself.
Pause...
Now within the energy of this safe place, know that the Power and Spirit of God dwell here with you. You are more than safe; you are enfolded in the grace and strength and healing power of the infinite.
Pause...
Something needs to heal within you now. Let it come to your conscious- ness. You do not need to try and think about it, just let it come to you. It might be something you have been aware of for some time, or what sur- faces might be a bit of surprise. You can come back to this place as often as you choose to heal. For now, simply accept what comes up for you.

Notice your feelings without becoming overly involved in them, and then if you choose to, offer this thing in your life that needs healing, offer it to God.

Let it go, release it. Know you are being healed at this moment. Let it go, and as you let it go breathe into the more open space that now exists within you. Allow it to fill with light and love and grace. Yes. Releasing, healing, and filling up.
Begin to be conscious again of your breathing. Breathe deeply and stretch. Come fully back here in your body, completely centered and grounded.
Get up, stretch, and look around you. Become familiar with the place again, feeling yourself in your body. Journal or process any other way you like.

                                       NUGGETS

Many of us have formed relationships that are based on fixing the other person, or we have worked very hard to attract a person we think will heal us or make us whole. That doesn’t work!

A loving relationship is based on creating space and holding a space where the other can do the healing work on themselves. I hold a space; I do not fix; I let go of my defenses.

Just being there for someone makes a difference.

Even though the limited consciousness of the ego can hinder intimacy, we do not intend to kill the ego off. The ego is not the enemy here.

When I think the ego’s limited perception is the truth, that is when the problems begin.

In response to a barrage of ego-centered fear, the practice of awareness and self-honesty will help me to grow with the challenge of facing my unfinished business. I need to accept that this is my stuff and not the other person’s. Not only is it mine, but it is mine to work on.

When you recognize the effort being made by another person to stretch and grow, acknowledge that effort and compliment them on it. You will be amazed at the positive energy that flows from that tiny effort.
Human relationships are beautiful as they are, but the spiritual dimension gives them even more meaning and purpose.

Don’t hesitate to ask yourself the question, “What is my heart telling me?”

Recognize that building a relationship is a life-long task. I do not want to wait until I have all my stuff together before I get into a relationship. If that were true there would not be any relationships.

Meet one another as souls on a journey rather than egos who are in competition.

Intimate relationships are the crucible for transformation. Love yourself no matter what.

Let go of your little self in order to truly embrace the other person and your own soul.

See God in yourself and the other until you see only God.

To love well, you must give up your self-centeredness. Become a sensitive listener, hearing what is said and not said.

Healthy relationships need always to be based on freedom and choice.

Make it a choice, as often as you like, to postpone personal gratification to meet the needs of another. When it is your choice, you can be a lover rather than a codependent victim.

We cannot always choose who we meet or the people or situations we encounter, but we can choose how we respond to them.

You can choose to be as close or intimate with another human being as you want to be, and to that degree you will be challenged to grow. Everything intensifies, the closer, the more intimate, and the more vulnerable we choose to be.

We are here together to honor one another’s wholeness, and by doing so we empower one another to heal. Our focus can be on wholeness rather than woundedness.

Know that whatever yearnings are touched off in you by a relationship are fundamentally yearnings for wholeness, Oneness, and union with Spirit.

All relationships have as their purpose to become aware of our Oneness. A relationship is there to serve one another’s opening to love.

Healthy relationships are there to provide a safe place to heal, grow, and transform.

Relationships make us look at our fears, not just the fears of the ego but the fears that have been implanted in us, our woundedness.